How To Win In The Dating Game. Find And Keep The Love Of Your Life.

By One2One Magazine Sunday,July 24, 2011

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Chemistry and attraction originates from four areas-Physical (Sexual Chemistry), Emotional (Commitment Bonds), Mental (Admiration and Adoration) and Spiritual. Once you are aware of your substance, style and spirit you can properly communicate who you are to others. Whatever goes on inside of you is projected on the outside. When you are well balanced in all areas of your life you radiate confidence. You become irresistible to others, because you evoke in them joyful thoughts and feelings. Attraction the chemical feedback to characteristics that we desire in another person.

Physical
Let’s face it, people who are in great shape and look good, have no problems finding dates, they however have problems finding a mate. Outer beauty is the easiest to recognize, it answers many questions even before they are posed. Not looking your best, carrying an unhealthy amount of weight and body fat causes your presence to prop up questions rather than answer them.

Both men and women find the traits that guarantee survival beautiful. For men it translates to youth and health, so as long as we live this will be a deciding factor. Signs of health and youth are indicated by nice clean teeth, clear skin and eyes, symmetrical features, curves in women and strong shoulders in men. The error that most women make is to assume that they have to be pencil thin to find a good man, this is the furthest from the truth. You have to be healthy and feel good about your self. There is absolutely no proof that a woman who is a size 0, will marry before someone who is a size 14. Survey after survey men indicate that they have absolutely no preference when it comes to confident women of all sizes. Most heavyset women unfortunately are not confident about themselves. If you constantly apologize for your size, then you are not confident. That’s your conscience telling you that you need to do something about your health. People will live up to our expectations and treat you accordingly. If your presence doesn’t give you warm fuzzies then you’ll project the discomfort that you’re feeling inside on the outside. Yourself if you are healthy? Ask yourself if you are happy and comfortable with your weight? If you have problems answering the question then perhaps you should see a professional who can help you sort out these issues. From my experience as a matchmaker no rational man walks into a service and asks for an obese woman, that’s just the way it is. There are many reasons why people keep excess weight on; the same issues will make appearances in your relationship. That doesn’t mean that you’ll never get a date, it just means that you’ll cut down on your potential suitors. You are only looking for one person, so if you’re comfortable with being unhealthy and overweight then becomes aware of the risks involved.

Women are increasingly requiring that men be in shape as well. Today women can provide for themselves so financial security is not the only prerequisite. Women look for a protector, a tower of strength and confidence. I’ve yet to hear a woman ask for a rich man with a potbelly and a shinny bald spot. The aim here is to look your best, it tells others that you love yourself. If you don’t take a chance on you, why should anyone else?

EXORCISE YOUR EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES
Fire your emotional vampires, get rid off those suckers.
Even your mind’s closet of all the baggage, have mercy and compassion on your self. Until you empty the things that you don’t want out, you cannot be filled with what you want.

YOUR BACKGROUND AND CIRCUMSTANCE DETERMINES WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU’RE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHO YOU BECOME.
Everybody’s got baggage, some more than others! You know some people didn’t get their hugs as kids and they’re still carrying that hurt around. Others have past trust issues that they are waiting to project on someone else.

“ I have trouble trusting women, because my mother never loved me!” Get some help otherwise the only people who will be dying to meet you will be  therapists. Hurt needs a remedy or it stays a hurt, so treat your issues right, no matter how big or small they are. If you don’t let go of past resentments, you’ll seem like a weird head case, and that doesn’t speak of confidence. We’re all damaged goods in one way or another. We all come with “Buyer Beware Warnings”. We’ve all been bruised, hurt or rejected at one point or another. “ Slammed by a bad boss, tough parents, bad breakup, personal disappointments or whatever. But how much of that are you still carrying with you? How big is your luggage? Can it be seen from a mile away? Is it a high end matching set of luggage? A little bit of baggage is reasonable. You know the kind that fits on a little ‘wheely’ thing through the airport, but not someone pushing a whole matching set of luggage behind you. Then you don’t just have an issue, you have the whole damn subscription.

But not to make light of things, get a diary, a therapist, self-help or whatever it takes. No one likes to hear “ You wouldn’t believe why so and so left me 8 years ago?” “ Let me guess, same reason I am thinking of leaving you?” Pain will out or manifest it self somehow. Viscerally as an ulcer, anger when closed off seeps out off you, hair falls out. Know thyself look into the mirror and see what the rest of the worlds sees. Be honest about who you are, if you don’t do it for moral reasons at least do it for selfishness, you will always be rewarded for being honest. Know your essence, then how much you can veer away. If you need to have a different essence take the necessary steps to get the desired effect.

How you present yourself to the world determines if you are successful or if you find a permanent home on the sidelines of life. That’s not to say that you should put up fronts or play games. If you are not real with yourself, you’re fooling no one but yourself. Eventually you’ll be found out. It’s like an elephant in the room when the lights come on—there’s no hiding. The best way to get hurt is to misrepresent yourself just to get someone to sleep with you or marry you. You have to be aware of what has prevented you from finding the relationship that you want in life. Understanding the problem is 90% of the solution, so we’ll make an inventory the unanswered questions that are preventing you from getting to what you want.

In order to start dating you have to answer the following questions honestly.

1. ARE THERE EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES THAT ARE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF MY LOVE LIFE?
People often complain about bad relationships that they’ve had, different players but the same script. They seem to forget that the only thing that all the bad relationships have is common is themselves. The reason your last relationship didn’t work is you made choices that led up to the failure, whether it was a bad choice of mate or specific actions, you need to own up to that responsibility. Take an inventory of the decisions that led up to the breakup or the drought, so that you can change or flip the script in a positive direction, because wherever you go there you are. If the script is the same you will have the same outcome.

The biggest complaint women have is “All men are dogs” If you go into any relationship with a hostile attitude you will terrorize yourself and your despised one. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and soon every man that you meet will treat you like dog pop. Next time you want to say I hate men, say instead I am afraid of trusting.

2. HAVE I FORGIVEN THE PAST, AND DO I HAVE THE CONFIDENCE TO RISK REJECTION?
Throughout our lives we are bombarded with millions of information per second, our minds alter, erase and generalize the information based on our past emotions and experiences to a handful of information and create our reality. The rest of the details is stored in our subconscious memory for later access. If we have unresolved negative emotions our interpretations of the world becomes twisted.

Most men would rather die than take a chance at getting rejected by a potential mate. When fear sets in you no longer think about the other person but yourself. You have no control over how people will respond to you, however you control how you react to how others treat you. When you refuse to act because of fear you are thinking about the consequence of your potential act. You have made yourself the judge, jury and victim. Ask yourself which of the following outcomes are you likely to experience by dating or being in a relationship with someone else. Will it cause you?

1. A loss of income/livelihood
2. Criticism/Persecution
3. Bad health
4. Old Age
5. Loss of Love
6. Death

If you are in danger of any of the following by being with someone, then you have cause to be fearful. Otherwise you need to evaluate the fears that are keeping you away from approaching your potential mate, and find a way to deal with them appropriately.

Many singles fear that:
No one could possibly love them, as they are-so they put on charades and acts thinking it will make them easier to deal with. Since birth we are compared, criticized and made to feel inadequate and insufficient by the media, family, friends, neighbors, teachers and basically anyone that we come in contact with. Jokes and negative comments that others make about us keeps repeating like broken records in our minds leading to delusional, deprecating believes about who we are and who we ought to be.

A lot of people get stuck when they look at the amount of work that they need to do in order to be their desired selves. They then cling on to that last positive or negative experience that they had as an excuse to do nothing about their circumstance. Become aware of where you got stuck or turned a corner.

How did you come to hold the current believes about yourself?
Was it something that someone said in high school, college, at work?
Was it something that your parents said?
Was it something that someone did?
If you could go back to any age, what age would you’d go back to and why?
What are your best memories of your parents?
What are your worst memories about your parents?

AIMS!
Become aware of the events and circumstances that have shaped your life.
What views do you hold of yourself that came from others?
1. My mother said/says~
2. My mother did/does
3. My father said/says
4. My father did/does
5. My siblings said/say
6. My Siblings did/do
7. The media said/says
8. The media did/does
9. People said/say
10. People did/do
11. In High School I was
12. In High School I was never
13. In college I was
14. In college I was never
15. My friends said/say
16. My friends did/do
17. My ex said/says
18. My ex did/do
19. I am not
20. I want to be

I am afraid that
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Deal with the list of issues that have lead you to where you are today. Separate the myths from the truths. Work on walking towards the person that you want to be and unfathomable confidence will ensue. In the game of life and what separates the winners from the losers is confidence.

According to the dictionary confidence is a feeling of emotional security resulting from faith in oneself. It is a firm belief in one’s powers, abilities, or capacities: freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face”-Eleanor Roosevelt.

Confidence is something that one develops all through life. The more you know yourself and the world around you, the less fearful you become. When you have foreknowledge you are hardly ever caught by surprise, thus you remain calm. Fear is the other four-letter curse word that dooms people to living in a mental prison. If you do not put negative believes in perspective you will go through life wearing a filter that prevents you from being who you really are and getting the things that make you happy.

In high school I was never part of the inside circle. I had my set of friends; we were not as cool as everyone else. A few years ago I realized that I was still trying to get with guys who were part of the in-crowd in college. Today most of them are losers living back in their hay day. I went out with one guy who still thinks he’s the prom king, he never made it to college or as a pro athlete, and he barely holds a job and has kids out of wedlock? So why was I still stuck on being his prom queen? Realizing that my issues were from high school I got a yearbook and tracked everyone who I was still trying to please by not being myself and quickly realized that I had overestimated their importance in my life. Half of them had no idea how they affected me, others now seek the attributes that have gotten me where I am today, and still others were so ashamed of where they are in life today that they couldn’t even get their words out put things in perspective. So what if they didn’t want to be my best friend. I’ve had enough successes in my life to realize that I have more to offer than anyone ever imagine. I have more lessons to learn, but the point is in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter. People with substance don’t specialize in making others feel bad. The next time someone acts like a total bitch let him or her know that hostility is substitute for fear. Give yourself the life that will make you proud of being you. Once you do that no one else can take your joy away or affect the way you feel.

Make a list of your best attributes and what you love about you. Know your attributes, and assure yourself of who you are. Once you become aware of who you are, you can start working on changing the aspects of your self that you don’t like -that’s the source of your insecurities.

TIPS!
1. Know what you offer and what you look for in a mate, once you’re aware of the type of people that you can be your best with, you will be less likely to approach people who will reject you.
2. Ask your closest friends (not your date) what attributes they like about you.
3. Find your passion, the confidence/ego booster you get by doing what you love or what you’re good at increases your overall confidence and self esteem. Women especially love accomplishments because it indicates being good at something.
4. Remember there are others out there who share your vision, morals and lifestyle, be around people who appreciate who you are. At any time in life, there are others who are looking for someone exactly like you. Don’t go to places that deflate who you are.
5. If there is something about you that you don’t accept, you will be fearful and insecure until you change it
6. If you still can’t get over your fear dating and relationships, then you need a professional therapist to help you work through your self-esteem issues.

I love “me” because:
1. I am
2. I am
3. I am
4. I am
5. I am

Others Love me because:
1. I am
2. I am
3. I am
4. I am
5. I am

Many people watch a parade of potential mates pass them by because they don’t know how to identify attraction cues. These are vital automatic primal gestures that men and women exhibit in the presence of someone that they are interested in- signals that cannot be faked or otherwise duplicated. See the laws of attraction for how to attract only positives into your life.

We can learn so much from telemarketers, they never take rejection personally. When they call you in the middle of the Oscars they just go “ Hello there, this is Mike, how are ya? I just want to tell you about the Ab Blaster 3000, if you order now you get a bla, bla dooooo ” you hang up on them in the middle of the sentence, and they still don’t take it personally, they don’t attach themselves to the outcome, they call you back “ Hi there, I just want to thank y…dooooo’ Hey and they don’t stop at the second hang up, they call the next person on the list with the same level of enthusiasm. This is because they know you might have interrupted you, caught you on a bad day, or you might have had bad coffee that morning.

Bottom line? It’s a numbers game, so don’t hate the players; hate the game enough to increase your chances of winning.

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